Forget the Ideal By Hopewell Volunteer Camille Richard

Forget the ideal. You can love the skin you’re in. Plenty of things make a person attractive and none of them have anything to do with being skinny. Expand your notion of beauty. Try obsessing about the parts of your body you appreciate, you are grateful for. Start thinking more about what your body can do rather than what it looks like...

Recovery will save your life like it did mine. I remember crying on the floor because I couldn’t eat an apple! Eating disorders are so complex, it runs and ruins your life. It’s all you think about, it’s all you do. Thing is, you will never be satisfied. NEVER. It’s all about pushing harder and falling deeper. It takes every little piece of your happiness, making you obsess over food, your weight, your size, your reflection in the mirror, pictures in the magazines, every time someone looks at you… You won’t admit you have a problem because you’re not as bad as the people they show on the documentaries, because someone always has it worse. You’re mesmerized and terrorized at the same time. You think it’s never bad enough, no matter what you eat, how much you eat or don’t eat. Everything you do is all towards one goal : get the perfect body, be perfect, be worthy, be loved, be appreciated. Thing is, that's not really how life works. You can’t hate yourself into being skinny. You can't hate yourself into being happy. You can't hate yourself into loving yourself.

You don’t want to give up your ED because at this point, it’s what you know best. You know exactly what to do to get where you want to. You like the control it gives you. It’s easier to concentrate on the food than the real issues in your life. It’s easier to pretend you’re happy than admit to yourself that you are feeling well, completely miserable. It keeps you going. It’s like a part of your identity isn’t it? It’s what makes you special, it’s what makes you different...Though there’s almost 1 million people in Canada suffering from an eating disorder, so really you’re not alone with this problem.

You’re honestly missing out on so much. Nights out at restaurants, time being consumed worrying instead of enjoying yourself, Christmas and Easter turning into nightmares...Mood swings, no energy, health problems, having to lie to people. Is it really worth it?

When you can’t take it anymore and you ask for help, it’s the day you think you’re dying inside because you’re giving up your secret. But really, you’re only starting to live again.  You probably know what it is like to hate yourself, to be ashamed, to feel disgusted… Don’t. You did nothing wrong. You are not wrong. You shouldn’t listen to the voices telling you that you’re ugly and unworthy. There’s nothing more false. You are beautiful. You are worth every little bit of happiness and love…Fight. It’s hard yes, and it hurts at first yes. But it’s totally worth it. You are worth recovery. Healing starts when you realize it’s never really been about the food, but about how you see yourself.

-Camille R