An Unusual Method of Recovery... By Andrew Kellie




This year, I have tried a very unusual method of recovery. I’ve taken part in an event called Naked Boys Reading.

I imagine for many of us, standing completely naked on a stage in front of a packed audience sounds like a nightmare. By ‘us’ I don’t just mean the general population, though that likely is still true. In this case, I mean those of us affected by eating disorders. Of course those look different for every person that experiences them, but in general they’re accompanied by a fear; a fear of being unable to hide what you look like. This is something I’ve certainly found to be true - anxiety mounts in those situations where you can’t make yourself small enough to avoid being seen. And when you’re on an empty stage with all eyes on you and nowhere to go, that feeling is magnified about a million times. But strangely enough, the anxiety isn’t.

I’ll give some context. During my high school years, I developed an eating disorder wherein I drastically reduced the amount of food I was taking in. I am thankfully no longer in this place - where things are bad enough that I am passing out in class and lashing out at those I love. But despite my eating no longer being disordered, I still struggle daily with body image issues. I have what is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, which means that the supposed ‘flaws’ in my appearance are often the only thing I can think about. If left unchecked, worrying about them consumes a lot of my time. I am in therapy, and have found it to be very successful. I am in a much better place than I have been. At the same time, recovery is a long process, and I still have my difficulties feeling okay in my own skin.

When I heard about Naked Boys Reading, I was intrigued. I’ve been involved in theatre here in Ottawa a great deal as a hobby, and in past I had found scenes involving semi-nudity to be strangely empowering. I had enjoyed being able to be shirtless, have many people see, and not really be in a place to think too much about it. But this was very different - there was no character to hide behind this time, and the focus would specifically be on my nudity. As scary as this thought was, it was something I couldn’t help but keep thinking about. I reached out to Rick, who organizes the event, and attended one of the shows just as an audience member.

Immediately I was impressed and impassioned. Naked Boys Reading is a show unlike any other. The format is exactly as you might expect from the name - a series of men stand at the stage of LIVE! On Elgin and read sections from books, whilst entirely naked. No shirt, no shoes, no socks, no nothing. The books all follow a specific theme, and each month the show’s theme changes. The theme of the show I attended was “Truth and Lies”, and the selections included “If On A Winter’s Night” by Italo Calvino, and “The Joy of Leaving Your Sh*t All Over The Place” by Jennifer McCartney. The performances were excellent, but it was the atmosphere of the event that really impressed me.

The show places a heavy focus on body positivity without even necessarily having to say so. It’s not a case of endless promotion of the idea that we are all beautiful, which often ends up feeling forced and shallow. Instead, the event encourages it simply through its nature. People are there celebrating nudity. They are celebrating bodies, no matter what they look like. Seeing body positivity taking such a genuine form was a little bit unreal, and immediately I signed up to read at the next show.

I was definitely nervous ahead of my performance. Even knowing what I did about the event, I still couldn’t help but panic at the thought of so many eyes on my body. The camaraderie and reassurance from the other readers backstage helped, but this fear still followed me right up until I stepped up onto the stage leaving my robe on a hook behind the door. As soon as I actually stood there in front of the sold-out venue, fully nude, all anxiety melted away. I was there. I was exposed. There was nowhere to go. But I didn’t feel like I needed to run. I was okay. I was there and nothing had immediately gone horribly wrong. Something I’ve learned in therapy is that anxiety serves to warn us of danger. But a lot of the time this danger isn’t real, it’s entirely created by our minds. And so when we do our best to ignore our anxiety and do what scares us anyway, our brain is a little surprised. That’s when the anxiety breaks and subsides. So when I stood there with my body for all to see, and I found myself in no danger, the wave crashed and I felt confidant. More than confidant, I felt empowered.

I’ve read at Naked Boys Reading twice now, and I hope to read again soon. I cannot say enough positive things about the event and how it has helped in my recovery. A lot of this credit has to go to Rick Telfer, who organizes and runs NBR Ottawa. I don’t think that I would have had this same experience were it not for his dedicated and deliberate way of running the show. He has created a space for people to feel okay, which is already a challenge in itself. More importantly he has created this space with a great deal of intention, which has then allowed for such a beautiful environment to prosper. LIVE! On Elgin deserves a great deal of thanks as well - having places that are made to be safe is crucial to allow these kinds of shows to exist.

The details of Naked Boys Reading Ottawa’s monthly shows can be found on their Facebook page. I highly suggest at least attending as an audience member. You will be reminded that nudity is a positive thing - and that is invaluable sometimes.

-Andrew Kellie

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