5 Things I Learned In Recovering From An Eating Disorder By: Danielle Lithwick

This is a guest post from Hopewell Volunteer Danielle Lithwick. If you are interested in learning more about her and her work, go to: https://moveoutofmadness.fitness/index.html

Recovery is possible and other lessons from a former ED sufferer.
Though I haven’t written extensively about my struggle with eating disorders, so much of what I do now has been shaped by this struggle and more importantly my recovery from this struggle. One day I intend to share all the nitty gritty details of my struggle (you can hear some of it in this podcast), but for the sake of this post, what’s most important for you to know is that after about 15 years of battling anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa and orthorexia (not an official medical diagnosis, but becoming more recognized), I DID recover.

Even "recovery" is a controversial term, but this is what it means to me: That I don’t engage in eating disorder behaviours anymore, and I’m able to trust and respect myself and my body no matter what life throws at me now. It doesn’t mean I never ever have an eating disorder thought pop up, or that I won’t be triggered ever again. It means that if old thoughts or triggers do pop up, I have all the skills to deal with them effectively and healthily, so that I don’t fall back into unhealthy and destructive behaviours.

How to recover from an eating disorder can be complicated and complex, and is way beyond the scope of this blog post. But what I do want to share is five things that I learned in recovering, to perhaps offer some insight and hope to those who are struggling now. (Disclaimer- this post (or any of my posts) are not medical or psychiatric advice and therefore should not be treated as such. Please seek appropriate treatment if you're suffering from an eating disorder. See my full disclaimer here).

#1: Recovery is not linear. 
With all the self-help resources and workbooks out there, It can be easy to believe that recovery is as easy as just taking steps X, Y, and Z, and if you follow these steps, you’ll only get better every day. Don’t get me wrong, self-help books and structured programs can be amazing and highly valuable resources along your recovery journey.

And, sometimes they can make you feel like you’re “failing” at recovery if your recovery is not always progressing or even regressing. The notion of “two steps forward, one step back” is a more realistic picture of recovery. Or it could be three steps forward, four steps back sometimes. The point is that recovery is usually not like walking across an open field with a clear sky and an endpoint in sight. It’s more like trekking through a wild jungle, constantly swatting flies away from your face and trying not to step on the snakes that pop up out of nowhere, doing everything you can to stay alive. You are hopeful that it’s possible to find your way out of the jungle, but it’s not always obvious how. The fact that you want to get better and that you believe you deserve to get better is what will carry you through- even when it feels like you’re not getting better.

Often people who struggle with eating disorders also have perfectionist tendencies. And this can totally undermine your recovery process. I know for myself, as soon as I let go of what I thought recovery “should” be, I was much better able to have compassion for myself when my symptoms didn’t get better or got even worse. I stopped beating myself up for not “mastering” recovery and instead tried to ask myself more honestly what was working or not working for me- no matter what the latest self-help book said.

#2: Change is possible. 
If you have been struggling for a long time with eating disorder issues, it can feel like you’re never going to feel any different. Like you’re broken and  no matter what you do, you’re never going to just feel “normal” again with food and your body. And the reality is that eating disorders (specifically anorexia nervosa) have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric illness - so there are many people who may not have a chance to experience that change is possible. Or have the proper resources for even a chance for change to happen.

I was very privileged (and still am), with a great support system and resources that are not always accessible to everyone (i.e. therapy). And yet, I still felt totally hopeless that I could really get better. That I could really break free from the mental prison of an eating disorder. Despite all the help I had, I still felt alone, ashamed and helpless.

But today I can say that I truly have changed and have broken free from the shackles of ED. It was not overnight, but it has happened. The only reason I work as an Intuitive Eating coach is because I know first-hand it is possible to change your relationship with food and your body from harmful to healthful (**I do not treat eating disorders, but I do believe Intuitive Eating can be an effective tool for ED recovery along with the proper medical and psychiatric treatment).

I acknowledge that everyone’s recovery experience is different and that just because I was able to make changes doesn’t mean it’s possible for all. But just know that if you’re feeling hopeless, you’re not alone, and change can be possible. Continue to get the help you need and trust in the process of recovery.

#3: Nobody is perfect, including me. 
Similar to #1, accepting that my recovery was not perfect, accepting that I was not perfect was actually a huge part of being able to let go of my ED. Believing that I had to eat a certain way, look a certain way, and act a certain way in order to be “perfect” was keeping me stuck.

Aside from the totally unrealistic and unhealthy expectations I put on myself about food, exercise and my body, the expectations I put on myself about being a “good” daughter, or girlfriend, or friend, or therapist (my past career) were also totally unrealistic and totally kept me stuck. I had realized that my whole life had been about pleasing others or not disappointing them, but I had not really asked myself, “who am I?”

I would have never asked others to be perfect or to compromise their health for unrealistic standards and expectations- so why did I ask that of myself? NO ONE is superhuman or “better” than anyone else, including me. Once I started to embrace who I actually am, what is actually important to me, and how I can live my life in a way that is fulfilling to me, I could also embrace that I had strengths and weaknesses, that I had likes and dislikes, that I had a personality and values and things I cared about. And because of that I was not perfect. But I started to be more comfortable in my skin and realized there were other important things for me to think about than food and my body.

#4: Asking for help is OK. 
Admitting that we need help can be so hard. I hate asking people for help or letting people know I’m not doing great. It’s still something I struggle with. But I do know that when I have asked for help and when I have reached out, it’s always made a positive difference in my recovery. Help could mean professional help, like a therapist or a medical treatment program, or it could mean community resources like peer-support groups or a mental health hotline. Or it could mean talking to a trusted loved one, letting them know what’s going on.

I was always available to help a friend in need, but always hesitant to ask the same friend for help when I was in need. But reminding myself that most people like to help others, has helped me reach out more, get the proper help I needed, or at the very least, feel less alone.

#5: I deserve real happiness (and so do you). 
What do I mean by this? Real happiness to me means pursuing and living a life that is meaningful and brings you joy. What is meaningful or joyful is totally subjective to an individual. But I believe that if I’m not pursuing real happiness in my life, then what’s the point? And when I was in the lowest of the lows in my ED recovery I definitely questioned “what’s the point?”

And I seriously contemplated if my life was worth living if my every waking thoughts were consumed with what I ate or didn’t eat, or how my body looked. I knew I wasn’t happy, but the thought of pursuing real happiness was scary. In my ED mind, real happiness meant “letting go” and not caring about my body or health. I couldn’t understand that what I thought was happiness (i.e. striving to be "healthy" and maintain a thin ideal) was actually seriously harmful to my health. Until I started thinking that the only way to find peace and happiness was to not live anymore. On paper, I had a great life, but on the inside I was afraid that I would never be able to really be happy. That my ED would always be in my shadow. Gratefully, through some deep soul-searching, I realized that I did not actually want to die. I really did want to live and pursue a meaningful life with love and laughter. But I knew I couldn’t do that staying in my ED prison anymore.

My biggest turning point (if you want to call it that), was finally giving myself permission to pursue real happiness, because I started to believe that I was worth it. That I have a lot to offer and to experience in the world and that I was not ready to give up. My ED behaviours were often about punishing myself, because of my underlying belief that I was not good enough. That I didn’t deserve to be myself or to be loved. That I would ultimately do something wrong (which is why I was always striving not to do something wrong (a.k.a. perfectionism)).

In realizing that real happiness was not about pleasing others and instead it was about nourishing myself and pursuing the life I wanted, recovery really did get easier. It may sound selfish to put yourself and your happiness first. But the truth is, the only thing you really have some control over is your own life and happiness. It doesn’t mean you can’t help others while putting yourself first. A huge part of pursuing real happiness for me is being able to help other people pursue their real happiness and what is meaningful for them. But I realized that if I was doing that from a place of self-hate and guilt and shame, I was not only doing myself a disservice, but also the people I was trying to help. Everyone deserves real happiness, including you.

Recovery can be unpredictable, scary, uncomfortable and really, really hard. And it can also be a life-affirming and self-discovery process, with the possibility of real change and real happiness.

If you’re struggling in recovery right now, and you don’t know what to do next, the first thing you can do is seek help.


Here’s some resources you can check out:

National Eating Disorder Information Centre http://nedic.ca/

The National Eating Disorders Association https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Hopewell (information, resources, peer-support for Eastern Ontario) http://www.hopewell.ca/

A list of books for ED recovery (I have not read all of these and this not an exhaustive list, but maybe a good start) https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/resources/reading-list-for-recovery