Recovery...1, 2, 3

Recovery... 1, 2, 3

Recover isn’t only about therapy, because if it was you would only be in recovery 1-2 hours a week. Recovery happens outside of that safe place, in the real world, where you have to deal with all the triggers. It is when you’re faced with those ‘beach body’ ads, when your friends invite you out to dinner and at the grocery store. It is in your bed, at the table, in the bathroom, in changing rooms, in front of mirrors, at the doctor, in the pool, etc. And that’s what people that haven’t been through this don’t get ; it is any where, any time. It is a constant chit-chat in your mind and a coping mechanism. The illness follows you around because it became part of every area of your life. Let me be clear : it might feel like the eating disorder has become your identity but it isn’t. You might have to rip apart some of the layers of your personality, but it does not mean it is all of you.

You will realize with time that your ED had a purpose, it was protecting you from rejection, sadness, fear, and all those ‘negative’ emotions. Recovery is about learning to feel the pain and heal the wounds. Which is why, you can not only treat the symptoms, because if you do, it will either come back stronger later or it will morph into something else just as bad.

You have to remember we all have an inner child, that child is hurting. When I finally apologized for treating her so badly and had compassion for her impulsive behaviour, I was a lot more free. Being even more critical of yourself won’t solve the problem, trust me. If you keep beating yourself up, saying you ‘knew better’...well it won’t change the past. You only get right now, this moment. You also have to recognize that you are only perfectly human, humans do make mistakes. Our bodies works in mysterious ways, we still have all the instincts of fight-flight-freeze ; yet we have the cognitions to overanalyze the situation. And here’s another thing : your body remembers more than you do, it recalls any trauma you might have. It is trying to survive. The war isn’t against your body, no it is against the voices in your head. At first you might think it is you talking, but after awhile you learn to dissociate the ‘healthy’ mind from the ‘sick’ one. You will realize that your body was always doing it’s best to keep you well and alive, it never gave up. All those symptoms you hate (but also maybe secretly like) are warning signs, messages to try and wake you up before it’s too late. Listen. There is no need to get worse to prove anybody you’re hurting or that you deserve help. The first person that needs to acknowledge that is yourself.

We can agree that the first accomplishment of recovery is to stop the destructive behavior, however the hardest one I would say are to battle the thoughts, as it stays way longer than expected. At the end of the day, it all comes down to habits, inside and outside of your head. You need patience and practice. The routine will be over way before the emotional pattern will. Be gentle with yourself. You’re trying.

-Camille Richard, Hopewell Volunteer